So that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ...
1 Peter 1:7
Beth Moore was asked the question: "If you could go back, what would you tell your 24-year-old self?" After much thought and soul-searching, her final response was, "I would. Not. Tell. Her. A. Single. Thing."
This connected with me so sharply because, despite my constant longing to know what is coming next, I would also leave my poor 24-year-old self in complete ignorance.
In college, I discovered one of my favorite poems, Tennyson's In Memoriam A. H. H. It has connected so sharply to most of my own literary attempts and musings, the part that touched me the most dramatically coming right at the beginning of the poem:
We have but faith: we cannot know;
For knowledge is of things we see;And yet we trust it comes from thee,
A beam in darkness: let it grow.
Let knowledge grow from more to more,
But more of reverence in us dwell;That mind and soul, according well,
May make one music as before,
But vaster.
(The whole beginning makes me want to cry at how profound, beautiful, sad and GENIUS it is...)
In that class, we discussed that God makes us walk in faith because our finite human minds cannot bear what is coming next, whether it is something beautiful or something tragic. If something beautiful is coming up, we would not be of any practical good in whatever day-to-day drudgery or pain we may be enduring to strengthen and prepare us. If something tragic is coming, it would be very difficult to fully open up to the joy and blessings that God may have in that prior season.
God and God alone knows what the future holds for each one of us.
Looking over the good and the bad that I have experienced over the last five years, I feel a strong confidence in God. It is one thing to decide to place your trust in someone. It is something else to see that same person use the brokenness of your worst fears like the most talented artist using their favorite shade of black over a rainbow of all your favorite colors.
The colors were awe-inspiring before, but with the picture painted in sharp definition over them, they are mind-blowing to you.
With my own choice, I would've kept that black as far from the artist's hand as possible, but that artistic choice was not mine to make.
I'm only glad that I've had the chance to see my faith and strength in the Lord increase. I know that as long as life lasts, trials will come, testing that. But I know who holds my hand, who has the permission to paint with the black ink. And I want proof of my faith to grow....
Vaster.
